2010 年 1 月 12 日 星期二 【晴】

<舊日的遐想>

某年某月某日的黃昏時分﹐夕陽的金輝慢慢滲入我家的窗簾﹐當時我正在衣櫃裹挑選一件合身的衣服﹐準侑一會和朋友外出吃飯。在一團糟的衣櫃裹﹐發現一個波鞋盒﹐是一個古舊牌子的波鞋盒﹐裹面藏著了一本用舊紙皮包著﹐外表絕不華麗的舊相簿﹐我好奇地翻開相簿的身一頁﹐看到的是一個個飛逝而遺走了的回憶。
我提著相簿﹐坐下來﹐一頁一頁地翻開﹐每一頁都有很多照片﹐當我翻到一頁﹐看見自己小時候的樣子﹐怎然感到很陌生﹐但亦感到有趣。不知是否經歷了風霜﹐這照片滲出淡淡的黃色﹐也可能是當年的照相機沒那麼先進﹐照片中﹐各人的樣子都很模糊﹐但是怎樣我也能認出沒有帶眼鏡的小孩子﹐就是我。
再翻下去﹐我看見了爸爸﹐原來他以前都頗英俊﹐他以前帶的是大框眼鏡﹐有濃密的頭髮﹐笑容也很是燦爛﹐他手裹抱著的小孩應該是我﹐對! 就是我。
再翻下去﹐我看見了媽媽﹐她以前是多麼的美艷﹐多麼的年輕﹐她有著長長的秀髮﹐如瀑布傾瀉下來的水；她有雪白的臉孔﹐像一粒瓜子﹐她牽著小孩的手﹐小孩低著頭在看漫畫﹐對! 該年幼的小該﹐就是我。
相簿翻完了卻不能找到一張三人的合照。當時的我還年幼﹐如今我長大；當時的父親﹐是滿臉笑寄的好先生﹐如今﹐誰都不能想像如今的他；當時的母親﹐春風滿臉﹐是一個人見人愛的甜姐兒﹐如今她的手佈滿愴桑〕是我.........母愛是偉大﹐我今天才會成長。
無論我多麼努力﹐也不能找到我們三人的合照﹐也許這已是一早安排好的事實﹐也許造成今天的結局﹐可能在當年我們不能合照的時候﹐已給我們畫上了一個句號。
可能看得太入神﹐忘記約了朋友吃飯。放下舊相簿﹐拿起電話筒﹐對她說一聲:『對不起。』掛了線﹐屋裹也變得昏暗﹐身謗再沒有任何一個人﹐我依附著衣櫃﹐抱著我心愛的相簿﹐靜靜地淺下幾滴淚水。

以前自己寫的﹐
不敢相信是自己的﹐
..

>>January 12, 2010 at 12:13:27 PM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 30 日 星期三 【晴】

沒事
沒事吧
只是心情很糟﹐只是我也很累﹐太忙吧。
所有都已經過去。

>>December 30, 2009 at 2:12:20 AM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 29 日 星期二 【晴】

才下眉頭﹐卻上心頭。
原來我沒有忘記遙遠的 nice cafe﹐
我也沒有忘記過曾有一杯熱騰騰的coffee放在鐵閘門外是為了哄我；
原來我沒有忘記急急離開每逢星期二晚上的練習﹐去到都靈飲那我最愛的cream coffee﹐
點吃著那些薯格﹐然後吃光後就慢慢回家。
原來那些時光﹐那些片段還在我的眉下﹐也在我的心頭上。
很酸﹐不用再經歷﹐就連想起也很酸﹐淚水也按奈不住﹐
我問問自己﹐到底我在做什麼﹐
我發覺我原來有很多痛恨你的地方﹐只是最恨的﹐彷彿就是你不明白我一直都在恨你﹐直至....
所有所有都已經太遲﹐來到一個沒有別路﹐沒有餘地的地步了。我就是痛恨你為何讓我走到這個地步﹐為何.. 你要我們非來這個地步不可...
雖知道要再任頭開始學行是一件很累人的事...
實在很亂.....
當我想起我的右手與別人牽著﹐卻發現那些秋刀魚的手指... 那份手汗的濕度...
當我合上眼﹐我沒有忘記你腳上的傷口﹐我沒有忘記你早上起來的模樣﹐只是....
我再也不想走回去了﹐那裡有太多太多的過去﹐是叫人一想起就心酸﹐再想起便流淚的片段..
實在很亂...
到底我在做什麼.....
也許也許... 是今天心情太差吧﹐
也許也許... 是我的瞼孔﹐是註定用來掩飾我的眼目和我的靈魂吧。
一想到現在都不知是怎樣﹐
再冥想起過去﹐並帶著那份痛恨...
很亂...
太亂......

>>December 29, 2009 at 3:33:18 AM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 23 日 星期一 【晴】

if u a the one who trustful enough, if u a the one trust in at all time, if u a the one who let me know u a the support to give me strength, if u a the one who i no need to act in front of u, if u a the one the as same as we started....

to hv a new start is hard, is enjoyable but... tired..
if there is a choice, i want to stay in the past, the moment which we are both in loving to each other. the night which full of stars, and i hold u n told i love u.
however, time flies, it would appear again. may u always be my happiest history, n i would bear in mind untill i lie on the ground one day.

>>November 23, 2009 at 1:54:53 AM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 16 日 星期日 【晴】

我深信你一定唔會睇到呢篇日記

其實你又會唔會明為什麼愛當中會有忿怒﹐那就是因為會恨對方不愛自己彷如自己愛自己一樣。因為愛別人是會那人有期盼的。我相信你有隱瞞過我的時候﹐我也相信你會想過也許放棄並且想過和他人發展。從來我也沒有高估自己的地位﹐因為我知道什麼叫作自知之命﹐那是會讓人明白多一步已是很多﹐適可而止。我不太敢去奢求你會一直留下來﹐我也不敢代你說一句你不曾委屈過。只是我也是人﹐心中是滿有難過的時候﹐其實是不可說出口的。正因你是我愛的。說白了也是沒意思﹐因為恐怕你的明白和體諒是基於憐恤和責任。最完美的就是互相自限﹐然後只有等待﹐讓那心靈的缺口只為要等待的人來。只是若那人遲遲不來﹐卻又不是罪過﹐那自我限制的就只好慢慢等﹐靜靜的等。

如果忿怒是一種焦急﹐那麼沈默無聲會是一種期待吧。如果前題是深愛對方的時候。

不過我相信.. 你永遠也不會看到的。

>>August 16, 2009 at 1:50:12 AM GMT+8

2008 年 8 月 29 日 星期五 【晴】

其實.......

做人應該要自私一點。

可以想歪的時候就去想歪吧
大不了就隱瞞
想走偏的時候就去走偏吧
大概都不會說出來
人有人性的
怕什麼犯錯
理所當然吧
錯了
其實都不用改吧
反正都錯了

-
-
-
-
-
-

感情是不能出走的
出走了.
那就出走吧
我相信人是有人性的
出走又有什麼奇怪
但是
並不代表每一個人都會出走的
你還你
我還我
說到底
我的不快又哪有任何一處是做錯呢？
有趣的是
我根本就是被欺負的
但
世上又哪有人看得通﹐看得透呢

在我眼中
根本沒有兩個是讓我看得上
那試問跟一些不愛的一起來
我哪會開心呢
你
不同
你愛和那人一起相處
儘管你口中不認
但是
並不是你說對得起上天就對得起吧
坦白說
葉書雅
我沒有愛過別人
也沒有對任何一個外人有好感過
但是
我告訴你
令你有好感過的人
又怎會比我少呢
你
心知肚明吧
沒得否認的
其實我讓你出走﹐
冇錯是我讓的
是我做就出來的
我告訴你為什麼
我知你很好奇
很想知吧
答案就是
令我覺得你並不是那麼好的
你都是人
你知道嘛
你行駛在我身上的規條
根本沒有放我這個『人』在內
我現在就要讓你心中的天使知道
你也只不過是人
那些規條你漠視
就連你
也守不到
你
你
你
根本冇資格責備一個沒有漠視﹐沒有違反那些規條的人
你
你
你
要再罵
就罵自己吧
從一開始你要鎖起我的生活
鎖起我的腦
從那一天
我就想哭
難度世上沒有義﹗
我不是人嗎
於甚或教會中的傳道
他們口中的話
深深的燒印在我腦海中
他們那些沒有人性﹐沒有理會何謂公理的話
只為了解決事情的口吻
在多少夜裡
我深深搖頭
上帝你在哪
為何你卻要找這些口裡沒有人性的人代表你說話
你有慈愛
為何卻彷彿沒有憐憫過我一樣
. . . . . .
很亂
很亂
. . . .. .
為什麼
我要在你犯錯的時候
還要承認自己想太多
明明就是這樣
為何......

>>August 29, 2008 at 6:36:06 PM GMT+8

2008 年 7 月 15 日 星期二 【晴】

『當我們激情地緊抓著某人不放手﹐卻又看不起他時﹐我們就會很尷尬地感受到本性的執拗。』 -- 席勒

路要走得遠﹐必需要有信心﹐有氣力﹐和有遠見。
因此﹐片刻的休息﹐要是為了變得有氣力和信心的時候﹐哪會是停步呢？
人生可以很長﹐沒有死去的一刻﹐人生還有路可走。
今天休息﹐是為了走更遠﹐更遠的路。

>>July 15, 2008 at 12:53:22 PM GMT+8

2008 年 5 月 6 日 星期二 【晴】

Today is a great day for me, coz i am no longer 19 anymore, anyway, i really want to say thx to my lovely Sandy, you know she do loves me, and care about me, not only the future but also my heart from the bottom to the top. The dinner part is good, honesty I really dont care about the quanlity of food, for me, those are the background, our relationship is the main dish, I do enjoy tonight's meal, coz I can look at ur eyes and keeping smile all the time when eating those yummp osters. The greatest fruitfulness is not coming from the food, but is coming from the sweetness in my heart. Sandy, I love you. You know, you are too nervous, you dont hv to care about whether the food is disappointing or not, most probably you have to think is whether how deep you love me. If you do love me, no whether the food is bad, I would enjoy it well. What I really hope for is having a meal with you, that's all I want.

Also say thx to Dickson, anyway, you do pay more than everyone expected, I dont know how to respond to, you know, too lovely, too touch. Thx for teaching me lots and lots and also ur story, thx for you to give me a chance to share ur own story, is my glad, I really glad to share for you. Lastly, thx for ur all good meals you pay for me, is too much, the true thx for my heart, and more than words. I know you do get it right? SUre...

A lovely day,
A enjoyable day,
A blessing day,
SO....
thx God, thx for all the blessing you make on me,
may be you know, here and now, I am not so close to you,
but I think you do know that, YOU, my dear God, is always in my heart,
And I so sure about that you 've never left me alone.
Sorry for keep silent to you for a long long time,
is my fault,
please forgive me.
Love you, my dear GOD.

>>May 6, 2008 at 2:28:40 AM GMT+8

2008 年 5 月 4 日 星期日 【晴】

Have a good and depth conversation with K2, long time we hnt met, really nice.
Talk about ur intimate relationship, good, thankyou for giving me a chance to know more about u,
also may my view and advises can help.
Got to remember that, to remember one word of each readen book is worth enough.
What you gain basically is what you pay.
Dont just blame that the more you pay, the worry and sadness you get,
think positive,
you may either think the more you pay, the more experience you get, and more fast you growth.
Anyway at the day you hv already paid and no regret, you will understand you are the winner because you are pay the most.
Keep going, you hv already find the direction, here and now is the time for you to make good pace and well organize what you get and keep going to pay.
Remember pay more you will gain more.
Bear in mind that Socrates has no idea and suggestion about what is the definition of the "longest",
all the concept of "longest" is only depends on what you perceive.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Although today is not birthday yet, still I feel so happy cause Sandy and my fds and my parent hv done lots which make me touch, thx to all, no matter what happens will be the day of my birthday, I am satisfied. Really touch in all acts from urs, any urs.

>>May 4, 2008 at 1:17:41 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 17 日 星期四 【晴】

Suddenly, i hv a feeling of peace in my heart,
um.. is not really a comprehensive peace, something pain is included.
But, I quite appreciate this moment, i write this dairy course mainly for this.
It's so a hungery time for waiting the feel come, and the arousal of my emotion actually is seldom.
I always have the challanege that whether I was suffering in depression, but keep knowing more about what depression is, I found that may be I am moody at all. You know, lots of depression patients are artist, musican.. Research show that those artists will make their great deal or their art work under the presence of depression, and those art works were familiar, so, the research claim that may be those artists do know their have depression however they seems quite like it. As my example, I am not really rare that love the depression mood, but one thing I can ensure that which is depression can really help to make good work. For a artist, practising is needed, however under the depression mood, it's hard to pay attention, concentrate on the practise, so the relation between the artist and the depression mood is a typical example of dilemma, whether take the advantages of the moody, or being suffered from the moody.
And I.... always live in this dilemma.
I can tell anyone that my life is full of conflict, those conflicts are implict, which are not easily observable. So that's why I have no idea on communication with others, and keep silence all the time. I really, seldom let others know what am i feel, because for me, I still have mysterious unknown about my thinking, and still have something undescriptable in my emotion in my heart.

>>April 17, 2008 at 11:46:24 AM GMT+8