2010 ¦~ 2 ¤ë 5 ¤é ¬P´Á¤­ ¡i´¸¡j

Hi.

it's been a nice week.. basically.. honey is on vacation since last weekend. so we have been spending more time
together, hanging out.. we visited Dave, took a walk, hung around Downtown. and then we also had a few big
meals.. we fixed the car as well. everything was fine.. and i actually believed that he might not want me to leave.
we usually dont hang outside so long, but that day we really spent a whole day out... it's quite exhausting as well.
but then i guess it's been quite a long while i havent been out for that long, and i think he's the same too.
then last night was so funny.. dad called... not on my cell but his cell. so it's like what's going on? and i d never
imagined that the first time they spoke would be on phone under this kind of situation. honey asked me if dad said
anything about talking with him. hahaha no... dad didnt say anything. that's the thing, dad didnt say anything, which
means everything is fine. and i know dad is fine anyway. only honey worries if my Ching Chong family would not
be thrill about him. my family have been wanting to see him not coz they want to criticize him, its coz they want
to meet him to welcome him. its actually the same when i first saw his mom... i asked if his mom said anything about
me. and he answered the same, no dont worry. ha... isnt it silly? but i like it.

i appreciate everything he has done for me and us.. i really do..
i like to hang out with him too, but we just cant do it too often. we just cant.

i m a very simple person, i had never thought about what i am doing right now or what i am experiencing these
years... i dont like a lot of things what i am doing, i m not proud of it, i dont like it. i always think i have something
else more important waiting for me to do... but when i m here, that's not the job keeps me staying around. it's the
time with him, it's the every morning and evening keep me here. i seriously really hate what i am doing. it's again,
my choice to come, but it doesnt mean i am ok with my job. anyway... it just feels bad.

long hrs, no freedom, everyone is fake.
dont tell me this is just a real world. when there are plenty of other choices i might could have i dont feel like to
stuck with what i am doing now. i might not be making enough money, but at least i know when i am working
when i am not. i could arrange my schedule, which is now i completely lose any control of my own time.
if i want to go to the store, i cant go as often. if i want to meet up my friends, i would at least delay for weeks
before i would really see them. if i want to exercise, i would think about maybe have 1 more hr sleep would be
better coz i dont have enough sleep now anyway. i want to help him with cleaning, but i cant, coz i need to work
if i want to make some nicer meal i cant, coz it's time consuming and i dont have money. i m using some emergency
money now just to get some simple food. not that he wont share food with me, but i cant ask him to get me some
bread and soy milk when he's not doing any shopping at all, right? it's just i dont know what to say. he's on vacation
now, and i m sitting in my prison cell.

i hate boredom, and i dont know how much longer i can stand that...

another day i talked with Carole. she asked me if Stephen has played the blaming game with me... i told her
i dont know. i dont think he is really playing the blame game with me but somehow i do feel tension between us
sometimes. and i would think he's blaming me on certain things, not like he wants to, but he shows that.

i feel pretty bad when i look at my log book... its like... i work from 2 sth or 3 pm till 10 50 or 11 sth pm...
so usually around 8 to 9 hrs in the day time and evening time shift.. then late night, i start from 2 sth or 3 am till
6 or 7 am... another 3 or 4 hrs.. its just crazy. and the thing is... its really boring and time consuming.
i slept at 6 or 7 in the morning, and get up ard 12 noon.. then he complains i m lazy. yea, if i dont have
to sleep, 24 hrs always on call then that would be perfect, but i cant.

well, we did have good time together.. and i do appreciate that.
think about every night giving him massage, sometimes it's quite boring, and my hands and knees hurt often now.
i like to massage him coz he could relax, i just want him to have better sleep. but at the same time, i'm like massaging
and no one talks to me. it kindda feels bad. you can imagine, i might not even have to talk much in my days and nights.
we talk but not too too much. sometimes that's ok.. but then sometimes tension would come when he says
Nevermind on something or when he basically being rude, i am soooo turn off. so, yea... just like that..

CNY is coming so soon.. i really want to go get some CNY cake... but......... it's in Richmond centre...
it's a bit far... i have been thinking if i should go back there to get some. it's not toooooo expensive but...
its money and i dont know if i should get it. then VDay is on the same day... hummm.... i have got him some little things
already. i think i could only buy these once a year, so... yea... and this is the first VDay i m here with him, so..
just wanna do something, otherwise i dont know if next year i would be around.

these days, i have thought about marriage and what i am looking for in a marriage.. what about the difference
between a marriage and a long term relationship.

brb.. i m too tired to type... back pain, shoulders pain..

>>2010¦~02¤ë05¤é Fri 12:59:00 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 26 ¤é ¬P´Á¤G ¡i´¸¡j

hello

beside the business is going really bad, everything is all good.
i mean i m happy to be with my honey, i am very happy to spend time with him, beside the business is going terrible.

i really have thought about if i should go home earlier, of course the only reason stops me doing so is coz of my
honey. and i cant and i dont want to leave him. i love him and i really want to be with him. isnt that strange? yes,
but i really want to be with him, dont want to leave him.

love doesnt make ppl blind, instead love makes you see things more clearly.
you know your life sucks, and you know you are in pain with that, but only love is giving you support to keep going
on with life. of course i could have a much better job, better food and living conditions, but take a min to think,
you know you weight something as important and actually even much more important than those, and this is... him.
so, i m not blind, i just see the priority of value in my life. it would be him and our possible future.

we had a good weekend. i dont know when was the last time i actually considered my weekend was great with him.
coz i have been very stressed, and same as him.. then we always stay home.. so... yea, it was great.
i was surprised at times too... we usually dont hold hands, or going to the Chinese mall... but that day we did both.
and also... we had iHop. i always want to go there, but i dont want to go alone.. so, it was just a surprise.
i dont need to go to those fancy restaurants... i just want to eat with the ppl i love in some local place, so i could
feel comfortable and just be natural. fancy place is fine once awhile, or on special occasions, but i dont usually
prefer going to those places. as long as the place is clean, have good food, not too crowded, then i'm fine.
we went to US, and also played wii active. it was actually me doing the wii active. he was like my personal trainer.
it was sooooo tiring but okay. i need exercise. it's actually quite a good choice if you never have time to go out
exercise. for me, i prefer going out to exercise, so i can get some fresh air and have good scenery while exercising.
its good stress relief. but fine, staying home for exercise is fine coz we could do that together and just very
comfortable being home. then we went to Dave's place... its kind of crazy. maybe coz i drunk... i dont usually talk
so much but that night, i just kept talking, and i swear, i just said whatever i think i should say.... and it was quite
funny actually. like what i usually do with friends. and i think honey had a good time too. and i didnt know that he
would actually forget about hacking into my accounts and deleting my information and friends like that. coz it was
huge to me that i still remember every details of that. and he just kept laughing and really didnt even remember it.
but he remembers the first time i was here back to 2007. he doesnt remember we met in 2006 through friendster,
but he remembers the first package i sent him was including corn flakes. haha.. and then he thought that we had
sex after 30 mins while we got home from the airport.. well it's not so true. i took a shower, settled things down,
and he tried to have sex with me, but we didnt really get there... we also hang around Richmond, had dinner at
WhiteSpot then went home.. and yea we .... hum. ha.... then he remembers he was testing me on certain things.
we just talked a lot of things happened before.. and it was so funny actually. its not just funny... but... makes me
think..... like... we have been together for awhile already.... so much drama before... on and off, and we still
survive... he remembers what i wrote him before. he remembers. its so important that he shows me he cares.
and like this time i m here, screwed up on the rent and the kitchen... i m still really guilty about that.. and i m stressed.
but still i know i love him so i dont want to leave.

i know things are weird. coz when he asked me then why i m with him... i just dont know. i dont know. i cant
explain it. i just know i love him and want to be with him. i dont know what reasons he has to be with me, coz
obviously i m dump dump on many things. but he didnt give me up.

i dont usually think about what kind of guy i was looking for or what qualities my guy should have... i think i do have
high standard for myself, and also for "a boyfriend" or future husband. but i wouldnt really make a list to choose
guys within my priorities on the list. but then with him, sometimes he's really pissing me off and makes me cry..
but at certain degrees, i know he has points and i learn to accept and adapt into the difficult situation... i think he
calls it growth and being an adult. haha. but yea... i sort of seeing the quality and potential of being a good husband
and a good father inside him. i dont know if he realizes himself with that, but i think he would be a good husband and
dad. well, he is not perfect for sure. but i think that's fine as long as he wouldnt drive me nuts always. but i dont
know if we are going to get marry coz i cant see when. but when he asked me if i feel engaged, my answer is yes.

trust is really important in a relationship, same as love..
so.... gaining my trust in a relationship isnt a very easy thing to do, even though i m quite easy trusting to ppl..
but when it comes to relationship not friendship, then things are definitely different.

and then now you understand why i dont want to go back to HK on top of all the reasons i have about going back.

but i do know we need to solve the problems. i m thinking what else i can do here, i need to get more income.
i need to do something to get more income.

>>2010¦~01¤ë26¤é Tue 14:55:31 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 22 ¤é ¬P´Á¤­ ¡i´¸¡j

he doesnt seem to want me to go home.

i love him.
i want to be with him, what should i do?

>>2010¦~01¤ë22¤é Fri 22:14:02 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 21 ¤é ¬P´Á¥| ¡i´¸¡j

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic,
those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected,
those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging
and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you
you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Carrie Sex and the City




i think, i have the all in one.
but i dont know if he loves me for who i am.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my job is giving me so fucking high stress.
i fucking want to swear to those fuckers out there, those who are spying without paying.
i dont think ppl actually understand how i feel on this. especially when he is complaining to me,
i actually wish one day he would just sit here with me for the whole day, observing how this business is going,
not just blaming on me why there'snt much business going at all. coz this is so fucking out of control and i fucking
hate those fuckers out there.

i have thought about going home. but the reason why i m still here not because i want to make more money for myself.
obviously, i am making nothing but only frustration. i thought if i stay, it might bring some income to balance out the
cost. but actually, he wants me to go home too. we didnt go into it, but i wonder the true meaning behind me being
here.

sometimes, i do wonder.....
if i didnt make those mistakes, the problems wont be on me even though the business is still not making enough money.
then, would he still be as picky on me or he might be nicer to me? when there are hopes in the future, which could
bring better living conditions for us, he was happier towards me. once problems popping out, we just couldnt
handle them, could we? if that's the case, why should i stay while i am not having fun at all but only in pain?

sometimes....
i feel like he had never really appreciated or thought about how much i have given up to come over. just because of
the trust i have in him, boom, i m here. i basically ignored everything happening in HK with my family, friends, my dream,
my career path, my identity and my personal plan, just for him... i dont even care about how much i can actually make
for my own here. i d never asked about how i am gonna paid, how much i can have, or even how i am going to pay
for my student loans.

i know i have been pissing him off on many little things. just because i am here living in the same house, i am pretty
annoying already. no matter what i do, there always problems or mistakes, or some tiny little things that's not his
fav or that he doesnt like about me. i thought it was just about the habits or different living style. i could change or
adjust myself to this new environment, because i m living with others, in someone's place, i should play the rules.

but you know....
maybe it's really time for me to go home.

i keep thinking about the money issue, like the expenses and if he could afford having me here...
and then i also think about the job i am doing.

i almost lost myself. i wanted to scream, but i couldnt. i was so mad, because i know i am just not the type of ppl
this industry is looking for. i dont have that kind of look, i dont have that kind of voice, i dont speak that kind of
language, i dont have that kind of feelings ppl are looking for out there. for them, i am something else. i am not what
they are looking for, i am something else. ppl are not stupid or blind. they know, they just know i am not that type,
and they dont want me. think about the clients i have had. regular clients. i dont have much. and no matter if it's
real or not, they always want something untypical from me. and once they figured out that's not what i am providing,
they stopped. they did see me as something else instead of some regular service ppl should provide. and this is the
kind of image i have for most of the ppl there. so if they are not looking for this, then they dont want me, as simple
as that. i dont look like the typical things they want. its supposed to be a good thing, but in business wise, it's not.
coz this is just a downside.

and i cant fake 10 - 12 hrs per day to pretend that i could do that. because this is not rewarding, especially i have
to worry about everything and i m not welcome here basically. you know, i am in pain. it's not even about being
positive or not. not about being an adult or not. and you know this is real.

i thought when there're problems, we could stick together and solve them. but maybe it's just me so naive to believe
that we could actually stick together. because obviously, he would rather talk with Ayako than me. that's okay,
coz they are the family. or maybe i m just the dummy he always think i am, so he doesnt like to talk with me on
certain things. whatever the reason is, isnt it just the same?

if he really wants to share food with me, why he just shares the left over with me? why not left me some before
he ate? or let me know he would leave me some? if he doesnt want to share, then... why left me some on the plate?
i dont understand. its confusing. and if he just wants me to finish his leftover, this is just insulting.

i know i cant blame him on what's happening, coz if i didnt screw up at first, things wouldnt have happened this
way. like i said, by watching the person i love to suffer for me, this is at least 10 times more painful than myself
suffering in it, coz i cant do anything about it, and this is the biggest punishment for me. coz i cant even make things
up, and i m in pain as well. tell me, what can i do?

i pray, i do pray.
i m thinking what i should do next.

i love him, i do... should i just go home?

sorry.. i m really in a terrible mood.
its not like i dont appreciate his food or whatever. i just need more. more time with him, more time away from work.
more time i could be away from my room, more time to hang out with people, more time that i can talk with ppl.
i need more time to be with him, not like... whenever i thought i could talk with him, it's either someone is around or
he's getting ready to sleep, or busy texting with his friends or whoever chicks. i feel like i m more like an extra person
in this house more than i m actually living with him.

but too bad... its time for me to go home, isnt it?

>>2010¦~01¤ë21¤é Thu 18:11:23 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 20 ¤é ¬P´Á¤T ¡i´¸¡j

Castor... you need to go home.
it's time for you to go home. wake up.

>>2010¦~01¤ë21¤é Thu 1:47:58 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 16 ¤é ¬P´Á¤» ¡i´¸¡j

hi.

today is pretty bad.

i went jogging yesterday before work. i really need exercise. but i cant afford going to gym.
thats fine, i like jogging in the park or track anyway. so yea... then i got back pain as usual..
sore shoulders and neck. imagine sitting for a whole day and everyday as a routine.. my "chair" doesnt have back
to support my back. so its really tiring sitting in this position. its actually pretty bad for my back. and also my eyes...
the lights are too strong. so i get tired very easily. which some ppl wouldnt understand and that's why i dont really
tell ppl about that.

then.... last night, Mami, honey and i played wii... it was kind of fun. we chatted also...
if honey and i could always be as peaceful and no drama, then i would be very very happy.
as i said... when there are others around, his attitude would be much better. and so i would be more
cheerful around him. honesty is a good thing, when did it become some sorts of excuse for ppl to be rude
to your loved one? i dont know if he was telling joke or whatever. some words just simply should never
come out from the mouth. i dont know.

then this morning, i didnt really wake up in the morning. i got up at 12. but guess what time i slept last night?
4 sth am. so... its actually ard 8 hrs sleep which is normal. then he saw me this afternoon. he was surprised
i just got up. and when i got up, my back pain is back.

then i had my coffee... started getting ready to work. then i came out to clean my hands.. then...
he asked me to see the kitchen, and those bags of garbage were on the floor, fell out from the big bag.
he asked me like when did i put my garbage out. i said the day before, i couldnt even remember, but at least
not today or yesterday. then fine, i just put them back. i dont know why they were on the floor but fine.
i didnt even walk near to those this morning or last night. just no. then he saw me putting that back too.
and he came in again... another bag was still on the floor. then he said something like what's the problem
with my retarded state of mind. i was like, what's about that? he said that's the problem. i didnt even know.
okay, so the bag of garbage you mean? he said yes and hes putting that back.. he said it's shocking.
i just walked away. i didnt know what to say. he left... then i went back to my room, and passed by the
washroom. i just went in and told him like.... i just didnt know if i should touch that bag of garbage on the
floor. then i went back to my room. the thing is.... it's true. i really dont know what i should do and what i
shouldnt do. it seems like if it's not my thing, then i m not supposed to touch. so... he made a big fuzz about
my garbage bag was on the floor, which i didnt know why and not caused by myself. and i put it back,
and he saw it and he walked away. so that;s fine now i guess? but he supposed me putting the other person's
bag back there too, which i might get blamed if he didnt want me to, which i didnt know. so... again...
what the hell? i just find it more and more difficult living here. it's just a tiny thing, why making it big?
if it was me, if i saw that bag on the floor, i picked it up and put it back there. i wouldnt know why it fell
or who made it fell anyway. coz i wasnt there witnessing that happened, right?

and then i also realized the bread i was eating was Ayako's bread. i feel bad. coz Ayako never really buys
food on her own or goes out. and she paid honey to get herself food. so i thought honey bought those and
i asked him before that i could have some bread. so its really.... bad... i mean... i dont know. then he said like
thats why i should ask before eating. so... i m wondering like... whenever i wanna eat something i should ask.
i hate it but okay. then what about if he's at work or he's not home? it's their rules, fine. its super strange for me
but fine. i just want peace, i just want food. i dont want drama, i just want food.

at home... whatever i get, i share with everyone. i dont mind others eating mine.. and everyone is welcome
to share food. in someone's house, we are never supposed to ask for food. coz that's really rude. and thats
why i d never wanted or never felt comfortable to ask for food. thats just not right for me. if someone offers
you food, you are supposed not to eat, unless that person is really sincerely inviting you. then you have to
thank that person very sincerely too. and you should always share food and drink and other things with others
otherwise thats considered rude. so in this house, things are different. and especially when he cooks, and
he doesnt share with me, it makes me feel bad. but i also understand the situation so... i feel bad but i dont
complain. it does annoy me so much but i dont complain. and he is not just a friend of mine, if he is, fine...
but he's supposed to be the one who would take care of me when i need. and he's not sharing with me.
you know that's just not right for me, but i suck it up. i cook my own food, i buy my own stuffs with my own
money, that's fine. but now, in our situation. i dont really have money now. and everytime i want to eat something
i need to ask. i m learning to do that, and i m following rules. but i just dont understand why even it's so
tiny thing he has to make a big fuzz of it. if i want to complain, there are tonz of things i want to complain as a
girlfriend, but i havent complained.

its not like i want to go home or anything.
its just simply..... he has higher standard for me than the others... and if it's another person, he wouldnt
be rude or say certain things. i feel like coz i m his girlfriend, his attitude is even worse.

like sharing the washroom... i dont want to leave the room unless its necessary. i really hate sitting in the room
but for WORK, i have to. and this is my commitment to my job and myself. so when i want to go to washroom,
i try not to go. but when i do go, then i have to worry wether someone is going to use the washroom.
if someone clash with me, then it's my problem. why the hell is that? he just doesnt understand, does he?

i love him, but please tell me... what can i do?

i know its always true that... guys are good at the beginning of a relationship, coz they are the initiator...
and girls are better at keeping the relationship, coz we are the maintainer. after they got you... they knew you
are theirs, they wouldnt do as much for you anymore. they wouldnt care as much how you feel or what they
could do to make you happy to be with them. and when your guy is getting fucking bored with you, then you
cant blame them for that. if we are not good at nurturing our guy, then that would be our fucking problems.
sounds fair, doesnt it?

no wonder so many girls are playing mind games out there these days.

>>2010¦~01¤ë17¤é Sun 14:57:16 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 13 ¤é ¬P´Á¤T ¡i´¸¡j

hello.

last night, i just left a short mesg here then i decided to stop writing and got some rest..
coz i just didnt know what i should say or do.

it did took me awhile to think and... realize things before admitting that i did screw up again.
and then of course i m not screwing myself only, and... if it's just about myself, i could suck it up.
but when it comes to... affecting the others, especially honey, i just....... got so much complicated feelings inside myself.
i just dont know why i could create so much troubles while i m staying here, coz itd never happened to me before,
when i was staying in other families or with friends or home.. just never got these kinds of troubles..
and in the past 4 years in this house, no one had ever created troubles as i have done here. so its like... why..
and honey couldnt even think of why just like i do. i cant understand myself how stupid i was, how retarded it was.
its definitely upsetting and frustrating. and what we both worry is... we dont know what's next, and it really
concerns us both so much. because...... it's like... something very simple as in common sense i couldnt handle them.
how could that happen so extreme? why everytime extreme and weird things happen on me all the time?

is it like..... when we are together, we would just keep having problems? i m worried... i dont want to run away
from my responsibility of the problems i created. but somehow i do wonder and think carefully about what happened
and why i would have done stupid things like this... i wonder if its about the environment i am in, or with the ppl,
or different situation. again, i dont want to find excuses for myself, but i do want to find out reasons so that i could
avoid things and pay extra attention on certain things.

i cant let him worry about home when he goes to work. i cant let him have the feelings he has to take care of me
like babysit me. i cant let him think that he has a 5 year-old gf, i cant let him take me as his burden in his life like
important moment in his life right now. i m supposed to HELP him here NOT to DESTRUCT his life. i cant let him burn
out because of me.

i want to be the girl who would make my guy proud of having me. i want to be the girl who can take care of the
house when my guy goes to work. i want to be that girl my guy would be able to relax after coming home.
i want the be that girl who can be responsible in the kitchen, in the laundry room, in the living room, dinning room,
in the bedroom, and be classy in the public. i m that kind of person i am supposed to be. i dont want to be perfect,
coz i know i cant be... but you know.... i do have my standard for myself... and if i cant reach it, i feel like a failure.
i want to do so much in my life, and its all related to the ppl around me, my family, about ppl, about the society.
but if i cant even make sure my guy and my family wont worry about being with me, or say if they constantly have
to worry about me, then what the hell am i doing? no matter how great i can do at school or at work, it is just
not right, coz there are so much more i want to do, and these parts of my life are so important to me.

i m not living for someone else, i m living my life for myself, but i m not so self-centred. like, i would rather pause
my study plan and other things in HK just for coming here to be with him and help him. its not like totally un-planned
or whatever. it's part of the long term plan of us, but the thing is.... why i keep screwing up here? its just not right.
i m learning everyday.... its like a booty camp for training my patient and full of challenges of my abilities for taking
care of myself.

i m glad that i m here as in.... this is probably one of the most difficult moments is our life, but still we could be
together and face things together.. not like we are falling apart or anything. but i do worry about things between us.
at some point, i know he must be very angry and frustrated with me, coz i am very frustrated with myself,
very very very guilty and feel really terrible about not being able to do much but keep screwing up things without
even realizing things. and when i told my friends how stupid i am, and they told me not to worry or i am not that
bad.. but the thing is, its the reality that shit happens and they happened now and more than once. how much more
we could take? i am a very responsible person, as if something happened, i would take responsibility but not running
away. and now shits happened coz of me and i cant even make things up, what the hell??

on one hand, i worry... on the other hand... i see how much he loves me. if it's not love, there's no way he could
tolerate things happened like these. i do appreciate his love, and i love him as much, i would probably do the same
if i was him. but just that............ i feel so guilty i cant do my part well, i am not playing my roll right. and i want my
roll so bad, i want so bad so bad to do my part well, but i m just not doing right.

i want to make him breakfast or early lunch for him before he goes to work... but i m sleeping at 6 am something
i just couldnt get up before 10 am. even 10 30 is tough for me, coz i cant only sleep 4 hrs and work through a
whole day. and i also realize the problem is not only about the amount of time making some easy cheese sandwich
as breakfast, but it's some other kind of issues there, so.... i dont know..

and then.... i saw the food in the kitchen... and i dont know if i could eat them as the share-food or... they belong
to other ppl. i dont know. i need to ask but i dont feel comfortable asking for food. so its like.... i dont know what i
should do. and like washing dishes.. the only reason why i rinsed them is coz i d never left dirty dishes on the
counter coz thats very rude. you use them and you wash them. sometimes i might forget if i m too messy in my
head, but still its very rude. but i just............... should be careful with the counter. i m so stupid.
i m not comfortable with asking for food or money, coz i m the type of person who would rather work things out
on my own than asking for help. so if i need help, i just always wait till the last min... but then these days, since
i keep asking him for help on different things, i just realize i cant ask help at the last min, coz this would affect
other ppl' schedule which i really dont want to. but then i feel very uncomfortable asking for help. its just... not
my thing. and also... about the laundry... sometimes i thought if no one was using it on my laundry day, i thought
i could just wait for awhile before getting them out, coz once i m at work, i dont want to leave my work. coz...
i m always waiting for response in front of the computer, i dont want to miss any messages. coz this is so freaking
important to me and to us now. same as why i dont go exercise or i refuse hanging out with my friends often,
coz i cant afford losing time at work.

i cant afford anything, i cant afford proper meals i used to have, i cant afford shopping or hanging out with friends,
i cant afford taking time off unless something really meaningful. i have nothing here, and i cant afford anything more.
you know, in HK.... rice for me is like...... i dont life rice, i dont eat much rice, coz i have other food to eat..
like mom would cook a few dishes, and soup or dessert, then also have fruits and snack.... but now... if i have
a plate of plain rice, i would be very happy about that day. coz it would satisfy my stomach, and that's just as
basic as i need now. i m running out of snack in my room, coz i d never really bought snack in a while already.
and after them, i dont know if i can still get snack. and when i think of what honey told me, i think having snack
is a bit too much now, as if i shouldnt even have snack. and i m serious about that. so, all my habits in life have
changed. and these all i am dealing with and facing now.

when i told my friends i do have problems here, trying to face problems and dealing with things, especially
when it comes to food and basic living conditions like that, or what troubles i have created... my friends would
say like oh you chose to go over, ppl wanted you to stay in HK or come back but you chose to go over...
you have to cheer up blah blah... yes... i know... but i got the feelings like they never really understand
the situation i am at. coz i just see no one, NO ONE that i know of have experienced anything similar as i am
doing now. i m sure everyone have different stories and difficulties in their life... but have they ever got
troubles with food, with rent, with loans, with creating troubles for others, and being in another country
having cultural differences all at the same time? some of my friends grew up in difficult families or situations,
some of my friends parent died... and now i would have more respect for them coz..... living in rough life is
like...... you gotta be really tough to handle these.

i just want to be the girlfriend that would do the right things for my guy.
just want him to feel alright, relaxing, loved, and have fun time with me.
i want him to feel secure with me and he wont worry about home when he's out to work.
then when he comes home, he could relax and have fun with me.

i think i should drop here now...

>>2010¦~01¤ë14¤é Thu 9:52:54 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 12 ¤é ¬P´Á¤G ¡i´¸¡j

i screwed up again.
very sadly.

>>2010¦~01¤ë13¤é Wed 19:30:20 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 11 ¤é ¬P´Á¤@ ¡i´¸¡j

i hate myself being grumpy... maybe i should try thinking positively.
he said Chinese are self-centred. maybe i am too.


that night, something very very embarrassing happened. the thing is... i have been waiting to .... get close with
him, coz i really wanted to... but everyday he seems so tired, so..... i didnt want to you know... but then....
something really embarrassing happened. i dont even know how could that happen??

and last night, we visited his friend, also with Mami. we had a good time. so.. sometimes i dont know if its my
problem of cant stand being bored or what. coz..... while i m not working, i m fine.
i love him, i do. and i dont know what if i go back to HK, then........ i dont know. it would be just... i dont want
to think about that right now.

and then........... today.... i was kind of pissed. coz... its like.... i didnt really expect he would need to give me
a ride or whatever. i just told him i need to get something in the store. but then he said he didnt know if he
would go there. fine..... then i was getting ready to work, but i need a coffee first. so i was waiting to make my
coffee... and he asked me if i m getting ready to work, yes. but then i also need to go to the store, like quite
far from home by walk, and actually i dont mind walking there, coz i want exercise, and i would love to take
a walk. but then he said something like i should go now, its like why i was making coffee, i should have gone
already. well he didnt tell me before if he was going to the store, and i dont know when i should go anyway.
probably waiting till almost evening to get going. i was planing to work first. i was really exhausted this afternoon
when i got up, then i was very hungry, and i just needed a coffee first no matter what i was going to do.
if he told me earlier that he wasnt going anywhere, it's fine. i could manage my time. but you didnt tell me,
and now you question me and ask me to go right away, not even let me make my coffee. it's like..... why?
i was just pissed off when i left. i just said thats fine. coz what else should i say or do? if he knows i m angry,
he is gonna think i m a bitch. then on the way, i just ate some fries... and i also went to Safeway to get muffins
and cookie dough. i dont know... i dont have much cash with me now. and i guess my shopping list isnt that
demanding at all. but he wont remember anyway, will he? then why asked me to write him what i need?
and then he's not helping me to get them, and i dont know... i just dont know... i dont want to feel like i m sucking
in his money or anything. coz the thing is, i dont like this either. if i have money, i would rather do everything
on my own. and again, coming to money, i m guilty and dont know what i can do. i hate it. just HATE it.

i cant blame him, and... i m just......... stressed.

the lights are shooting at my face and my eyes every moment. and i m sitting in this setting 8 - 10 hrs everyday.
i m getting fat, coz i dont want to take time off to exercise even though i really want to. coz i would feel guilty
if i take time off. when i m not working, i m thinking about work, i am worried about work. but when i m working,
i feel like i'm in prison.

no interaction with ppl, sitting and cant be distracted. its torturing. and if i m distracted, ppl would look and think
what the hell. so.... what the hell? when i'm trying my best, the performance is still shitty.

you cant really tell your friends coz no one is gonna understand. and even if they do, they would think this is
my choice and i m an adult. if everything is just that simple black and white, then there wont be so much
crazy ppl out there, everything in this world would be just perfect.

my body is telling me that i'm screwing up myself. and my mind is also very tired and i'm guilty..
this is probably one of the most difficult period of time for me... feeling all the fatigue physically, and then thats
still okay... and working this job is like totally empty and torturing. sigh.

Cas, you are not gonna give up so easily, right?
please be patient... just be more patient. you have to have faith in yourself.

>>2010¦~01¤ë11¤é Mon 15:25:20 (GMT+8)

2010 ¦~ 1 ¤ë 8 ¤é ¬P´Á¤­ ¡i´¸¡j

sorry i have been a bit.... lazy and moody, so i didnt come back.
and i was taking time to think.

in the past week, i was just trying to put every efforts into the business hoping it would get better.
at first it was ok, but then after that, things go back to normal, which is not good.
once ppl get used to your new ideas and things, freshness is gone, ppl are gone. coz there are too much
fishes in the sea, too much flowers to pick, too much food to eat. you never missed any choices, especially
you are not the one in control. so.... i have nothing to say but just do my best. which for me it's just unacceptable.
coz i cant stand myself just sitting here watching things happen like this,... but with no control, you could only
watch things happen but you cant even change a single thing. and that's just part of the life, and everyone knows it.
knowing it is different from accepting it. coz even though you know, you just know, but you dont accept it.
you dont get over it untill something is done, which might bring new hope. and hopes up and hopes down.
back to the beginning.

while i was giving some idea trying to do something, i saw honey's mesg and i just.... dont know what to say.
i just cant give up like that. i dont know much what i can do, but i cant give up so fast.
and i m worried, coz the situation is not good at all.

today i met up with Hailey to pick up my letter, then i met up with Hong. yea, how often i can see my friend
from HK here... then i met up with Cyn for lunch with Hong. it was an interesting day. it's been more than a
month i havent been to Downtown already. i used to go there quite often, but just not these days anymore.
then now... yea.... it was a great time today. i love catching up with Cyn... and Hong was kind of funny.
it's always nice to see old friends, coz they know you well, and things are all natural and no weird feelings.
friends are just like that. he used to be quite close with me once we were the president and vice president
at the student union in school. i hated working with him coz i always needed to take care of his work.
he's late and he's not working much... and i was the one running the operation basically. so i always fought
with him at school. and everyone was on my side in the team. so anyway... he's a very protective guy to
me after work at school. he just strange in a way he would show ppl that he cared about me, but he never
really said something to me. he would just compete with other guys who liked me, but he wouldnt admit wether
he liked me or not. he kept pissing me off then said something ironic to see how i react. i just disliked him.
but hes always protective to me, like would help me and take over things from me, if necessary, even though
i didnt ask him for help, except the work at the student union. so i still considered him as my friend after all.

then today... we talked a lot.... we talked whatever.. like being very honest about shit and stuffs happening
these days. i didnt tell him everything but in a way he was very honest with me about things that he saw
about guys. and i know he was telling me the truth. like he would sleep with others behind his girlfriend.
he's picky about girls, wont sleep with everyone. and he sorts of saying.... he would cheat on his gf with me.
i told him.... i have lots of pressure going on in my life at the moment. and i m bored these days and lonely sometimes.
so it's very tempting. i thank him for his honesty and i appreciate that... however, if something happens
between us, i wont want to lie to my bf, but i would also dont know how to tell him. so... no. i cant.
he said then its ok i should stay with my bf and be a good gf. i told him it's hard to be a good gf.
he asked me why... i said its just difficult.

i guess i just learn from the experience. i dont want to make my life more complicated. so i just simply dont want
to let myself have the chance to get too close with someone else.

today is the first time i ever felt attractive and confident again in these 3 months i m here. coz i know whatever
i do today, it's just me, and i wont need to worry if i am stupid. i dont have to think too much before i talk or ask
something. coz the ppl around me they would know when i m serious when i m just joking. they would know
why i am such goofy and why i am beautiful in my way. they would appreciate it all, coz it's me, and they like me.
i walk like me, i talk like me, i eat like me, i greet ppl like me, i say what i want to say, i tell what i think.. and i am
the way i am, i feel beautiful. they know the way i speak sometimes it seems kind of naive or like a child, but when
it's something serious, they know i have my points and they appreciate my personalty. and thats why ppl like me.

but while i only work at home, i seldom go out, i cant do anything much, cant even exercise, i dont socialize much,
everything good about me just got no way to go. i become boring and unattractive.

with honey, i m trying to take things slow. i listen what he has to say first before responding.
i hope it would help. like what i said, sometimes ppl just dont understand including myself.

last time, honey mentioned about being an adult.
he said then now i should act like an adult. so this week i have been.... thinking and... doing whatever i can do.
i didnt really cry or complain much.. but i keep thinking of what i can do more or better.
my life here is difficult enough. and i also start making dinner on my own. so, less instant food, and no more
cup noodles. but at least make some pasta or congee. the thing is i got some serious stomachache a few days
ago. i was like........ so dead.... and he was laughing coz i was funny. i couldnt even sit straight. he didnt really
take care of me. well, i didnt need him to, otherwise he is gonna think he's babysitting me. i think when ppl is
sick, they should be taken care of, coz this is one of the ways to show you care about that person and you
love him or her. doing this is not for only showing though, it has to be from your heart. otherwise its just acting.
but then if you didnt want to take care of your gf/bf when s/he is sick, which they need you the most, then
when are you gonna take care of that person? i dont see much chances or necessaries.

it feel so good when honey is being honest with me about things... but at the same time when he is being rude
and cruel, it's just.... not just about honesty. its the attitude. it's like you wont see him doing this to any of his
friends, does that mean he doesnt show his real self to those ppl? no, but he knows he has to be polite.
but while with me, he can be himself totally, then it becomes like the punishment to me to take his attitude coz
i m loved by him. i know it sounds strange, but that's the thing. the closer relationship you have with the person,
the more real sides of yourself shown.

i wonder how come life is so complicated... especially being an adult... i d never considered myself not an adult...
and i dont think i need to force myself to experience how tough life i could get just to learn to be an adult.
things would just come naturally, good and bad things, nice and bad ppl.... lots of them are just naturally happened
in our life, not by choices. there are certain things you can prepare for your own future, but not everything.
i could only do my best no matter what kind of circumstances i am in. doing whatever adult people would do doesnt
make you become an adult. facing problems and you cry it doesnt mean you are a child. only for those who have
commitment to themselves in life, and willing to work hard everyday to strive for a life, then growth would happen.
you cant expect then tell what an adult is like, or say being mature. coz... at my age, am i mature? sure i am.
for those who are 10 years younger than me, there are huge difference. for those who are 10 years older than me,
i would always be a child or immature to them. but in general, okay, what do you mean by in general? coz if it's in
general, definitely i am much mature than a lot of ppl in the entire world. so, who are you comparing me with?

brb

>>2010¦~01¤ë09¤é Sat 15:32:01 (GMT+8)