2015 年 3 月 12 日 星期四 【晴】

i cannot believe he'd do that to me. i still cannot accept.

>>March 13, 2015 at 6:00:28 PM GMT+8

2015 年 2 月 20 日 星期五 【晴】

last night i cried for hours. i basically cried myself to sleep.
it feels like my heart is still bleeding, and my tears cant stop. i don't cry in front of people,
but i do feel heart broken. did i do something bad that i deserve it? i didnt lie about what i did.
he asked, i told the truth. and that wasn't me, i didnt go talk to anyone. i didnt have that intention,
and i didnt do it. i was curious to see, but id never planned to do anything other than that.
if he said i spy, i have nothing to say. but why would he think that was me? so he rather
trusting someone else than me. am i so stupid to have been sticking around and trust every
words he said and did and he'd never trusted me?

at the end, i blocked him, and the others.. basically I was too angry, too upset by the fact that
i just simply fed up with whatever he did he does he wants to do. i won't be able to see or
search anything regarding these people. i block them.. and i showed him. if that's the thing he
needs to guarantee, he wants me to stop "spying", i get that done. i asked him if its fair, he didnt
really answer. i told him that really hurts, he didnt say anything regarding that. i have said to him
I'm the only one excluded, i asked how was i supposed to feel? and when i asked if he was in
contact with her, and he said no but he did, how was i supposed to feel? he said none of his
family are on there. i'm not his family neither, am i? friends seldom contact, and that's the only
communicating way... yea.. if things are open, there's nothing need to be worried or thought
about.. only when things are mysterious that draw the attentions. i trusted him enough and loved
him enough to give him everything i could, even did things that i m not proud of, that i feel shameful
of, that i didnt want to do, that i can never tell other people... but in return thats what i deserve.

i asked him if he ever found out who did that, tell that person to stay away from me.
i cant handle more. between he and i as well. i just simply cant handle more..
i try so hard so hard to convince myself to move on from what happened in between he and
them.. i try so hard so move on and let go.. everything that happened last year in tokyo,
what i seen what i knew.. he chose to see her, every single things.. she shared his photos,
but i have seen none of them.. and that's normal for him, thats fine with him...
i came all the way to tokyo, i made my way to see him but he had his tight schedule... i understand,
and i.. i'm so sorry but i just don't know how to deal with these anymore. because basically
he hurts me so bad but its just fine and normal for him.

>>February 21, 2015 at 2:07:56 AM GMT+8

2015 年 2 月 3 日 星期二 【晴】

what am i doing?

anyway... the first flight was done.. always 一波三折。
and then... i don't know... many things happened.

>>February 4, 2015 at 1:41:28 PM GMT+8

2015 年 1 月 29 日 星期四 【晴】

what happened to us?

>>January 30, 2015 at 1:35:21 PM GMT+8

2015 年 1 月 19 日 星期一 【晴】

temptation or just pure disappointment with frustration?

the problem is not resolved in my mind, I'm still bleeding inside.
i thought time might wash it up for me, but its still there. did i lose the faith or trust in him already?
there have been a few guys approaching me, one of them is closer with me.
i don't mean to see anyone officially, because I don't want to jump into anything uncomfortable
for myself. however, my loneliness, my disappointment and frustration are all getting out of
control.. and i haven't mentioned about the pics i saw. that's like..... a knife putting into my heart,
and when he said no, i didnt know if i should be happy or not, but when i looked at those pics
again, that completely shattered me. would i still be able to carry on?

my training is draining me. i need support. i don't want to take from anyone random,
however the one that's available isn't the one i was supposed to be with.

>>January 20, 2015 at 4:00:07 PM GMT+8

2015 年 1 月 14 日 星期三 【晴】

I'm really exhausted... but the uniform is on finally...

i... didnt really confront him about that. he said he isn't in contact with her.
if you were me, would you trust him or not?

training is still okay.. however, i notice bullies in our class.

>>January 15, 2015 at 2:39:58 PM GMT+8

2015 年 1 月 7 日 星期三 【晴】

:'(

>>January 8, 2015 at 4:34:04 PM GMT+8

2015 年 1 月 5 日 星期一 【晴】

:'(
did it happen or didnt happen?
my curiosity is killing me. i saw something i am supposed to know or not supposed to know?
if i have to have a second thought, that means i m believing in my eyes more than words.
i have been crying since i saw it. if he did lie, why? didnt he know exactly it breaks my heart?
am i really that bad that i can only be the second choice? it happens everytime isn't it?
if he finds someone more attractive more desirable, goes for her and leave me alone.
i don't need any pity, i am not someone who can sit around and wait. i'm not that desperate
at all. i stay because I'm love him enough and i m loyal enough, but that doesn't grant him
any rights to put me aside whenever he wants me or takes me whenever he wants.
its not that human being is that bad, it's the fucking matter of fact that you know i'd be thrilled
to go somewhere with you, and you intentionally take someone else and hide it, when you
always mention about trust and respect. i don't see any fucking respect. you know it would
break my heart, and you let it happening anyway. if you want to do something with someone
else, why not just tell me? what if you were me?

if you think that i'm controlling you, tell me and I'm not gonna bother you anymore.
if you are bored with me, tell me, because i seriously don't think i m fine with the loneliness as well.
if you want someone else, go for her and i would leave. as simple as that.
if you want to lie to me, please think about what makes you think i deserve it.

Mei Kwan, what do you think? have you decided to trust him or your eyes?
you saw the pics that were shared within the similar time period.

worst scenario, i want the honest answer from him.




>>January 6, 2015 at 12:20:01 PM GMT+8

2015 年 1 月 4 日 星期日 【晴】

how come..? :'(

>>January 5, 2015 at 11:26:45 AM GMT+8

2014 年 12 月 31 日 星期三 【晴】

Happy New Year.

hummmm i made lots of wished during christmas. i prayed.
and i knew there's another air crash happened.. its really terrible and horrible..
no one should die that way.. and..... its really scary.

i would have my final exam for safety tmr.. wish myself good luck..
i couldn't sleep coz of the pressure. i m very exhausted as well.

i said happy new year to honey.. i wish him doing okay. he said he's tired.
he didnt sleep in 2 days. i wonder how he could manage that. for me, i cant.
i must sleep or i would faint. when i sleep, i m like completely shut down.
i wanna see him soon, i really miss him so much..

snd Doris is back, happy for that.. we also went to my cousin's wedding.
for me, i don't need any huge fancy wedding, although i like those pretty stuffs, cakes, and stuffs..
but i want to get marry with that guy, instead of focusing a lot to make everyone happy to
please the guests, i want to focus on us.

i should catch some sleep otherwise i would miss my alarm again..

>>January 1, 2015 at 5:34:25 PM GMT+8