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2011 年 11 月 5 日 星期六 【晴】
Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl
這是一本講 "人生的意義" 的書.
作者是一位精神科醫生, 同時也是一個經歷過二次大戰集中營磨難的猶太人.
從苦難中透視出人生的意義, 他也是一個專家了吧.
他兩次地引用尼采說的:
"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How."
他是由始至終地確信, 人生, 總是有意義的.
I had wanted simply to convey to the reader by way of a concrete example that life holds a potential meaning under any conditions, even the most miserable ones.
即使是面對絕望或死亡, 人生仍然可以看高一線, 仍然可以講 "希望" 和 "意義".
It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us....
Life ultimately means taking the reaponsibility to find the right answer to its problems
and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual....
這樣, 我就被提醒了, 自己的人生, 自己要盡力, 要盡責.
在爭取的同時, 也保持善良的意願.
No situation repeats itself, and each situation calls for a different response.
Sometimes the situation in which a man finds himself may require him to shape his own fate by action.
At other times it is more advantageous for him to make use of an opportunitiy
for contemplation and to realize assets in this way.
Sometimes man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross.
Every situation is distinguished by its uniqueness, and there is always only one right answer
to the problem posed by the situation at hand.
面對著眼前沒有出路的難題, 這給我一點希望.
雖然沒看見隧道的盡頭, 即使不明白, 但總相信, 甚麼都不是枉然的.
..The person who attacks the problems of life actively is like a man who
removes each successive leaf from his calendar and files it neatly and carefully away with its predecessors,
after first having jotted down a few diary notes on the back.
He can reflect with pride and joy on all the richness set down in these notes,
on all the life he has already lived to the fullest.
當我回望以前最難過的生病的階段.
這段文字給我一點會心的微笑.
對, 我活得最難過的是生病的那個時候, 卻又是那些時候所經過的叫我感到最自豪.
就像在一場硬仗中活著回來, 勝利了的那種感覺.
而, 這是我最喜愛的佳句:
The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails,
the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity --
even under the most difficult circumstances --
to add a deeper meaning to his life.
這使我不其然地想起:
"若有人要跟從我, 就當捨己, 天天背起他的十字架, 來跟從我."
這令我想起在中學時代, 大家曾經討論 "你想甚麼是你的十字架".
(現在回想, 簡直是有點 "為賦新詞強說愁".)
有人說十字架是責任, 有人說十字架是要突破的甚麼甚麼.
但最顯然易見的, 今天我想, 十字架, 是一個人的苦難.
如果主耶穌沒有接受背上十字架的命運和苦難, 他就不是 "主".
他順命地, 接受上帝給祂這樣的使命和苦澀 (也人性地, 這並非沒有掙扎), 背上了十字架,
而在最絕望、最艱難、在天空也變黑了的那個時刻,
祂將 "神子" 的身份活到極致 ---- 成為了罪人的救贖, 也使罪人免於上帝審判的忿怒.
這成全了 "道成為了肉身" 的終極意義.
跟從主耶穌, 捨己, 也許就是作者所言的 "self-transcendence".
不以本來的自己為中心, 順服地, 勇敢地面對和背負生命的一切挑戰甚或磨難,
這樣我們就被導向踏上主耶穌所走的路,
在人生中昇華到另一個為之 "意義" 的層次.
難怪主耶穌說, "在世間你們有苦難, 但你們放心, 我已勝過了世界"
>>November 6, 2011 at 2:42:08 PM GMT+8
2011 年 10 月 7 日 星期五 【晴】
"蘋果" 的 CEO Steve Jobs 在星期三逝世.
大家找出了他生前說過做過的事, 向這個敢於追隨自己夢想的人致敬.
2005年, 他獲邀在史丹福大學的畢業禮上致辭.
'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition.
After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK.
It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."
It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much.
___
對啊. "死亡" 就是如此影響深遠的一個經歷.
今天早上我想起了我之前提過那位自殺的女病人.
再一次, 我想起了, 我們的一線二線三線化療, 成功地延長了她的壽命.
但當時間延長了, 痛症也延長了.
而在換來的時間裡, 她反而看不見生命的意義.
化療延長了壽命.
諷刺地, 卻沒有帶來更多的希望.
出於絕望, 人反而選擇結束生命.
我們延長了時間, 卻沒有增加意義.
這禁不住, 再一次地, 令我感到有點難過.
>>October 8, 2011 at 4:51:07 AM GMT+8
2011 年 9 月 17 日 星期六 【晴】
<醫治>
有一位病人, 叫我印象深刻的.
在見他的一星期前, 我收到明愛醫院的電話.
打給我的, 是他的主診醫生.
說有一個男病人, 懷疑是肺癌, 腫瘤生長得很快, 由一星期前的幾厘米, 到最近電腦掃描的十幾厘米.
以生長速度來說, 我有點擔心是微小細胞型的肺癌 (small cell lung cancer) --- 這是一種挺 "惡" 的 "惡瘤".
似乎他的主診醫生和我的意見相同, 他已經安排了氣管鏡檢查和抽取組織的化驗.
我告訴他, 盡量跟進報告結果, 我們會安排早一點的新症門診.
星期五.
新症門診當天早上, 機緣巧合下, 我再次收到明愛的電話.
說, 病人已用到六度的氧氣, 要讓病人過來嗎?
本來, 這樣的情況以救護車送來未必太安全, 但他們說可以安排醫生跟車.
矛盾地, 若不見見病人, 想想對策的話, 病人只有死路一條.
也許因為自己曾經答應過要在新症門診見他, 我還是答應讓病人過來了.
下午, 我第一次和這個病人見面 (你相信嗎? 也是巧合啊)
情況進一步變壞, 他已經要用氧氣罩了.
跟車的實習醫生說, 在移床期間, 病人似乎不太受得了, 氧氣含量下降.
每一位同事走過都覺得很奇怪.
這樣一個病人, 是誰安排他轉院來到新症門診的? 沒救的機會很大.
那一刻, 我很害怕.
是我害了他嗎? 早知道是不是應該拒絕新症門診的評估?
看著他的X光和電腦掃描, 我猜想應該是迅速增大的癌瘤阻塞了氣道, 所以左肺幾乎失去功能.
緊急電療有用嗎?
病人的呼吸急速, 但神志還相當清醒.
我打電話跟上司商量.
她說, 現在 (星期五下午) 開電機太遲了.
"如果你判斷病人氣喘的成因是單純因為大腫瘤, 而沒有其他因素的話, 化療也許是更好的選擇"
微小型肺癌是一種較 "惡" 的癌, 但如果對化療有反應的話, 也可以很快見效 --- 這是我們知道的.
我問上司: 星期六藥房還會給我們上化療藥的嗎?
她說: 如果你相信情況有如此趕急的話, 也許可以的.
我就跟病人的女兒和女婿商討情況.
用化療會有很大的風險, 但不冒險試一試的話, 就別無他法.
終於, 家人和病人都同意接受治療.
我們將病人接過來, 上我們的病房.
也幸而得到藥房的配合, 星期六開始了化療.
好幾天以來, 我都有點擔心, 給他這樣用藥, 是救了他還是害了他?
化療可以控制病情嗎?
他會直接死於化療嗎?
過幾天, 出於好奇, 我在電腦記錄中再看他用化療後的X光.
肺瘤顯著縮小了.
很顯著.
我驚嘆化療的功效, 第一次明瞭到何謂 "small cell lung cancer is chemosensitive".
有一段時間, 同事說, 他可以不用氧氣, 自己吃飯.
啊, 我心裡多震懾啊.
是上帝使用了化療, 救了他的性命.
可是, 也聽同事說, 病人接受不了生肺癌的現實, 精神一蹶不振.
他拒絕好好吃飯, 也拒絕做復康的物理治療.
適逢晚上當值, 有一個傍晚, 我在探病時間探望他.
他正在吃飯. 女兒在身旁.
我鼓勵他, 肺瘤縮小很多呢, 好好努力復康啊.
他只回了一句: "醫生你知唔知你阻住我食飯"
女兒有點不好意思, 不過, 看來她心領了我的好意了吧.
有點難過.
原來這是真的.
我們的藥醫治了人的身體, 延長了壽命也好, 但沒使人得著真正的生命.
這是第一次我有這麼大的慨嘆和領會.
每次想起他, 還是為他禱告.
也許接受病情需要時間, 但求上帝為他開一條出路, 讓他在這些賺回來的時間中能夠找到真正的盼望.
>>September 18, 2011 at 2:16:07 PM GMT+8
2011 年 9 月 3 日 星期六 【晴】
已經好久沒有寫過病人的故事了吧.
今天令我再次 "執筆" 的, 是這對患癌的夫婦.
我先認識的是太太. 當時先生還沒有生癌的.
太太患的是末期肺癌, 試好幾種不同的化療 --- 其實這樣的案例已經見慣不怪 ---
畢竟, 科技進步了, 治療的板斧也越來越多.
令我印象深刻的, 是她的痛.
癌症已經入侵她的盆骨, 使她疼痛難當.
又因為神經線也被癌瘤入侵了, 所以這種痛很不易搞.
單是為了處理盆骨的痛, 我們針對那個位置已經開了三次的電療 ---- 那對於我來說是一個傳奇.
正因疼痛太難挨, 所以她已經不能自由走動.
每次覆診, 她總得疼愛她的先生陪伴... 彷彿, 先生已經成為了她的腿, 忠心地推著輪椅, 帶她到處走.
大家都說, 能嫁得這麼一位丈夫, 太太也算是不幸中的大幸吧.
就是這樣, 雖然疼痛難當, 但太太總是咬緊牙關的, 對著我們, 都總嘗試擠出笑臉.
不過, 故事的發展就像做戲一樣.
有一天, 先生因為發現大便習慣有所變化, 驗出自己也生了癌症, 是直腸癌.
我們知道了, 都替他們感到很難過... 實在是人間慘劇.
不過, 先生的病情比較輕, 我們的計劃是, 先做電療化療, 然後考慮根治性手術.
猶記得, 先生第一次以病人的身份到我們的日間化療中心, 接受第一次療程的時候,
他深深地向我們鞠躬, 眼泛淚光.
後來我有一段時間沒有再見他們了.
最近, 我知道太太入院了, 不過因為我不是主診, 所以也沒有多問.
今天早上巡房, 偶爾碰見先生, 問候他的近況.
他說, 後天就要做手術啦.
然後還是那樣的, 深深地向我鞠躬以示感謝關心.
我聽護士說, 太太在病房裡企圖自殺, 被發現, 已經是第二次了.
我巡房的時候, 問太太, 如果讓你再選擇, 你還會這樣做嗎?
她說不會了, 不過, 痛楚這麼難熬, 遲又要死, 早又要死, 何必不提早了結?
我問她, 先生會怎麼樣? 他會掛念你嗎? 我知道他快要做手術了.
她點點頭, 沒有作聲吧.
這時候, 先生在旁邊說, "你答應過我, 我做完手術了, 會看見你坐著輪椅來看我啊"
入行兩年多了, 我發現, 原來還有一些關於病人的小故事, 會令我有鼻子一酸, 眼框濕濕的感覺.
我跟太太說, 時間多長, 疼痛可否完全解決, 我們都控制不了.
不過, 今天我們還仍然存活, 還有呼吸心跳, 你就當作是為了先生努力挨下去吧.
生離死別看得多了, 有時候就會想, 能陪伴你走到最後的, 會是怎麼樣的人呢?
這我不知道.
不過, 我挺肯定的是, 太太能得著這樣的珍惜 , 不是因為先生是公務員,
而是因為她和先生之間那種互相倚賴, 不能失卻對方的愛.
>>September 4, 2011 at 2:37:09 PM GMT+8
2011 年 7 月 27 日 星期三 【晴】
最近在處理一個病人, 第一次有如此的感覺 ---- 在打一場毫無把握, 不知應否繼續的仗.
她以前是一位護士, 是深切治療部的護士.
以年資來說, 她比我資深得多了.
她很不幸..
在子宮頸癌病愈了以後, 膀胱因為電療的影響而發炎.
而且, 幾年之後, 她得了電療的後遺症, 生了另一個癌症在盆腔.
這是一種不好搞的癌症.
第一線化療失敗, 就試用第二線化療.
終於挨完六次療程了, 正等著八月的跟進電腦掃描.
這次入院是因為小便出血.
血小板低似乎是引發的因素, 但為甚麼低呢? 不知道.
另一方面, 也許盆腔的癌瘤並不受控制, 引致了泌尿系統的阻塞, 腎功能每況愈下.
要放進喉管作小便引流, 就要先提升血小板的指數.
要提升血小板, 就要到血庫配血, 輸血小板到病人身上.
如是這般, 經過幾天的作戰, 血小板剛好合格了.
在右邊的腎做好一條喉, 小便引流初時還不錯.
但腎功能卻沒有太大的改善.
所以, 就打算插第二條.
但血小板卻比入院時更低.
於是, 就進入了另一場作戰.
就像與時間競賽一樣.
也許是因為病人的腎功能長期不好 (甚至開始進入衰竭狀態), 所以她的精神狀態也越來越差.
轉差的速度也越來越快.
我們仍然堅持想勝過她的衰竭, 爭取為她插到另一條喉管..
冀望腎功能可以有所改善, 從而是身體狀態轉好.
所以, 一直以來, 我就毫不猶疑, 義無反顧地,
一直給她倒血小板, 倒血清, 倒血......
以爭取可以快點做到引流.
看著時間一天又一天地過去, 腎功能沒有改善, 病人的精神越來越差....
血小板卻又不爭氣, 升得很慢....
到今天早上, 看著胡言亂語的病人..
我心裡覺得很難過..... 第一次有如此的感覺, 感到自己在打一場不知應否這樣打的仗.
平日總很清楚目標的, 即使情況有變, 總能很快地重整旗鼓.
這次卻感到很奇怪.
應該去得這麼盡嗎? 即使插到了, 她真的會好起來嗎?
但如果不這樣的話, 她只有死路一條.
所以我跟自己說, 還是要出盡全力.
直至中午, 也許上帝覺得這場仗打夠了.
病人開始陷入昏迷, 全身抽搐.
我知道, 不用做了. 病人根本不能配合指示.
突然之間, 有點像落荒而逃嗎? 但是, 我指示放棄了所有入侵性的程序.
喉管不插了, 不用輸血小板了, 減少鹽水份量, 加入鎮靜劑以控制抽搐..........
就像在戰地場上, 舉起白旗.
不打了.
畢竟, 辛苦她了.
不過, 由始至終, 我跟病人家屬也是這樣說的, 我相信, 我和她都了無遺憾..
因為我和病人都盡過最大的努力了.
我後悔的是, 沒能再一次握著她的手, 在她臨終掙扎時跟她這樣說.
如果, 明天還能有機會見到她, 我一定會告訴她, 稱讚她, 認定她曾經付出過的努力.
不過, 如果, 明天在病房不相見的話, 我知道, 她就不用再受苦, 不用再掙扎.
要走的話, 就請你安心, 舒舒服服, 了無牽掛地走吧.
>>July 28, 2011 at 3:23:00 PM GMT+8
2011 年 6 月 20 日 星期一 【晴】
最近幾天的狀態很差.
病房裡的病人情況起起伏伏, 家人又不好應付.
有好幾次, 忍不住, 發脾氣了.
尤其是週末過後, 很多病人都突然轉差了.
很多家人要見, 很多情況要解說, 很多緊急的檢查要做.
突如其來又有許多家人/ 護士/ 自己的情緒要消化.
消化不了. 終於忍不住, 發脾氣了.
然後就知道自己不在狀態.
也想, 是為了甚麼呢?
有需要這麼著急嗎? 有需要這麼煩躁嗎? 有需要為別人的評價和情緒耿耿於懷嗎?
是為了病人好嗎?
是為了自己嗎?
做醫生是為了甚麼呢?
做腫瘤科是為了甚麼呢?
堅持要做好, 堅持要盡力做, 是為了甚麼呢?
我曾經說過要與受苦的人同行, 我還在做嗎? 還在做好嗎?
所以, 需要安靜, 需要禱告, 需要力量.... 調校一下目的和方向.
想起上一次Joy@Work, 波波分享到, 在工作中的四樣要素: 卓越, 承擔, 良善, 人性.
>>June 21, 2011 at 4:10:52 PM GMT+8
2011 年 4 月 22 日 星期五 【晴】
記得在聖經裡, 主耶穌說過:
"在世上你們有苦難, 但你們可以放心, 我已經勝了世界."
祂說這話的時候, 就是祂要面臨十字架的時候.
最近我從主耶穌身上學習和反思的, 是祂面對苦難的態度.
作為至高的主宰, 其實祂來到人世間, 大可以選擇不要受苦. 做一個不用挨苦, 至高無上的王者.
但是祂沒有.
祂選擇了受苦. 還是直視苦難, 不退縮.
最後祂是死了.
但是, 祂那種直視, 不逃避, 還在十字架上為逼迫祂的人禱告的這種表現.
我覺得, 已經贏了, 還很漂亮.
而最終祂得勝死亡而復活, 這是最終的得勝.
這是王者的典範.
所以, 面對苦難, 屬祂的兒女就有要勇敢的力量.
>>April 23, 2011 at 12:58:31 PM GMT+8
2011 年 4 月 21 日 星期四 【晴】
今天是同事晶晶的喪禮。
她曾經是我們部門的心理學家,為不少癌症病人做過心理輔導。
我們相識的時日不多,但也許因為大家都曾經有過具深度的分享,所以她離世了,我的感受很深。
還記得,她離世的那天,是4月1日。
那幾天,我都在男病房工作,工作忙極了,所以雖然知道她的病情每況愈下,卻沒有探望的時間。
還記得,在3月31日晚上,我向上帝禱告說,求祢幫助我快點做完手上的工作,讓我可以探望晶晶,和她一起禱告。
___
從前我曾經是她的其中一位主診,那時候,有空的時候會跟她祈禱,也試過要她聽我唱詩歌﹝那時候她已經沒有唱歌的力氣了﹞。
在她精神好一點的時候,她每天早上都總是精神奕奕、充滿笑臉地跟我打招呼。
我們也曾經分享生命,我也跟她分享我在患病中的軟弱。
所以,我想,這是一份特別的情誼。
她和朋友們到北海道旅行,還真的按著我的要求給我買了音樂盒呢。
那是一個天使捧著一顆珍珠的音樂盒。
我們同事Mike說,這音樂盒喻意說我是很多病人的天使,鼓勵我繼續做好本份。
Mike 還說,她不時都會在其他人面前稱讚我,說我細心。
但最叫我動容的,是她說我抽肺水手勢好,不會痛的。﹝真的嗎?這不是一個醫生得到最好的讚美嗎?﹞
還記得從前給她抽肺水的時候,我們甚麼都不說,她就靜靜地伏在桌上休息,我就靜靜地抽肺水。
安靜,我想這是給她最好的休息了。
也是因為這樣,除了巡房,我不太會每天探望她,總捨不得要她堆起笑臉和精神來招呼我 ----
她的精力應該要留給更重要的人吧。
另外一個深刻的片段,是跟她討論繼續或停止化療的決定。
那時她打的是兩個星期為一個療程的「加碼」化療。
看著化療不是太有效,卻又看見她好像挨得很辛苦。
有一個下午,我與她相對而坐,跟她說,如果你覺得辛苦的話,不要因為怕我們的誠情難卻。
後來,她就轉服口服化療,沒多久,就停了化療了。
而停了化療,她的情況就轉差了。
到3月尾,大家都說,也許是這幾天了。
___
4月1日早上,是要Grand Round 的星期五,我有case要present。
那天早上,我特意更早上班,希望盡快完成手上的工作,去探望這位朋友。
終於,到中午的時份,我走進了她的小房間,她的31號床。
那時候她已經沒有回應的力氣。
She was gasping.
我跟床邊的家屬朋友自我介紹說,我曾經是她的主診醫生。
我走到她的跟前,跟她開玩笑說,我是祈禱專員啊。
她已經沒有力氣了。
我下意識地脫下白袍,跪在她的身邊,我以朋友的身份,為她作了最後一次的禱告。
至今,我們仍然不明白苦難的因由;
但連至高的上帝也曾經面對痛苦和死亡,願這事實成為我們的安慰。
整個過程,我出奇地平靜,一滴眼淚都沒有。
Macy說,那天2時左右,晶晶就離世了。
Macy說,也許是上帝聽了我的禱告,將晶晶帶走了回到祂那兒去了。
但我知道,上帝是聽了我那希望和晶晶一起祈禱這簡單的心願。
上帝幫助了我,讓我可以了無遺憾。
___
今天到達殯儀館,我沒想到,才坐下來,讀著場刊中晶晶寫最後的話,我忍不住哭起來了。
我沒想到我竟然可以哭這麼久。
雖然今天哭得一個「貓樣」,不過我不後悔選擇了開放自己的心讓我們互相進入彼此的生命。
再來一次的話,我還是會和她一起祈禱,還是會和她唱詩歌,還是會到她的喪禮,還是會讓自己為與這位朋友暫別而哭。
不濟的身體被火化了。
不要緊吧,你不用再受那浮腫的軀體所束縛了。
在新的地方裡,你可以得到真正的自由了。
我知道你會活在我們的心裡。
我們仍然會思念你,你的幽默、你的堅強和勇敢,會使我們會心微笑。
而且,你的價值觀,將會活在每一個曾經得到你的輔導的病人心中。
當我們為那些仍然活著的病人覆診時,我們就可以見到你了吧。
再見了,晶晶。
>>April 22, 2011 at 12:43:39 PM GMT+8
2011 年 4 月 16 日 星期六 【晴】
今天在教會唱了一首詩歌 - <十架犠牲的愛>
最深刻的一句:
"祢被世人離棄凌辱, 至死不退縮; 喝下那苦杯, 全然成就救贖"
再次安靜, 翻開聖經, 讀到四卷福音書裡描述主耶穌釘十字架的過程.
其實, 祂曾經有很多逃避釘十字架的機會.
但祂卻仍然是貫徹始終地, 直視擺在祂前頭的痛苦, 不退縮, 也不躲避.
就像昔日與門徒同在風浪中一樣, 祂還是那麼安然地, 直視風暴, 不懼怕, 也不被嚇倒.
如此的救贖, 讓我有機會再次思想上帝的愛, 也思想如何面對生命裡必然出現的困境. :)
>>April 17, 2011 at 1:22:22 PM GMT+8
2011 年 3 月 17 日 星期四 【晴】
<新階段>
今天是腫瘤科part I 考試放榜的日子。
Part I 考試有四份試卷,為了不要太大的壓力,我將四份試卷分開兩次考。
還記得,應付第一次考試的時候,是2010年9月。
那是減不了抗排斥藥、沒有信心應付考試的時候。
祢給我差來不同的天使,幫助我重建信心、確立方向,也幫助我更用心對待和明白病人。
應付第二次考試,2011年3月。
我參加了凱恩辦的姊妹小組。
在當中,姊妹們﹝雖然之前不相識﹞給我很多鼓勵,也在一些決定上陪伴我禱告。
她們教曉我思想,不只要定目標,更要思想背後的目的。
同時,碰巧是 "前線醫生逃亡潮" 的危機。
當時,我曾經立志,
"雖然不知道將來是怎樣, 但今天我祈求, 能對工作和生命有更多 passion.... 多到可以傳給在我之後的人."
兩次的考試,儘管考試前還有多少混亂也好,也感謝祢讓我順利渡過。
前兩天在電療設計的工作中,與上司W一起評價某位病人接受過的治療,更令我學懂,一定要下定決心,學好功夫。
昨天又留在設計室趕設計圖,記得上司Y講:
做這類工作,要有心理預備有幾晚要留在醫院趕工,要記緊跟家裡說 "不用等我吃飯"... 這樣,即使工作做晚了,就不會有太大的失望。
又記得,曾經因為趕設計圖而吃不消,懷疑自己能否當一個腫瘤科醫生時,上司M說:
Part II考試﹝大家都認為這個階段是最難以應付的﹞,搞得掂就兩年,唔得既,咪三年囉;人家的專業考試是很reasonable的。
她還鼓勵我,在自律之餘,更要學懂好好照顧自己、對自己好。
我要記得啊。
在這些的日子中,我曾經立志和許願,要學好功夫,和病人一起同行,而且也盼望自己能做好榜樣,有所傳承。
而且,我要努力保重身體,好好培養情緒的健康,下定決心,一定要學成功夫下山!
有祢陪我走,我一定可以做得到的!
謝謝祢!
>>March 18, 2011 at 2:16:56 PM GMT+8
|
![]()
主祢是我力量
我的詩歌,我的拯救,
祢是我患難中隨時的幫助。
眾山怎樣圍繞耶路撒冷,
祢必圍繞我到永遠。
主祢是我力量,主祢是我高臺,
堅固磐石,我信靠祢必不動搖。
主祢是我力量,主祢是避難所,
我的盼望只在乎祢。
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點解唔OK 都唔講AR ??
>>June 27, 2011 at 2:15:08 PM GMT+8
“生命需要上帝”
<br>
<b
>>October 25, 2010 at 2:36:10 PM GMT+8
Mary:
<br>
<br>
>>June 6, 2010 at 11:09:36 AM GMT+8
Mary:
<br>
<br>
>>April 29, 2010 at 4:10:23 PM GMT+8
你又回到威爾斯了...
<br
>>May 9, 2009 at 10:03:47 AM GMT+8
有感覺才好,有勞騷才好
<br>
>>March 8, 2009 at 3:11:55 PM GMT+8
瑪利快要成油條嗎?
<br>
<
>>March 6, 2009 at 4:52:23 AM GMT+8
唔~~~~~~~~
<br>如果
>>February 13, 2009 at 9:45:38 AM GMT+8
為作惡的人而生氣,成肚「火」,只
>>December 1, 2008 at 9:19:13 AM GMT+8
很快你就會離開這裏了,也離開這個
>>November 27, 2008 at 2:40:17 PM GMT+8
Uncle 好一句金句, 咁你要
>>November 16, 2008 at 5:02:09 PM GMT+8
11/11
<br>多點和那位伯
>>November 16, 2008 at 1:33:57 PM GMT+8
Mary,真的感謝你一個人千里迢
>>October 21, 2008 at 7:20:02 AM GMT+8
your entries are
>>October 14, 2008 at 6:41:14 PM GMT+8
睇到我快被感染 信 基督 ^^.
>>October 14, 2008 at 5:04:45 PM GMT+8
是的,最大的神蹟,是愛。是一直在
>>September 22, 2008 at 4:56:51 PM GMT+8
很遲才看到您的日記。
<br>
>>August 29, 2008 at 3:51:32 PM GMT+8
不夠睡可能不能避免,不過可以儘量
>>August 19, 2008 at 8:02:36 AM GMT+8
加油! 凡事向好看,現在只是在
>>August 10, 2008 at 5:06:38 PM GMT+8
7月3日,你幫我的親人打針,打了
>>August 1, 2008 at 1:39:08 PM GMT+8
生日快樂^^,
<br>
<
>>July 23, 2008 at 1:23:24 PM GMT+8
CHECK EMAIL...:)
>>July 12, 2008 at 6:12:48 PM GMT+8
看了你今天的日記我好像又懂了些什
>>July 12, 2008 at 2:42:20 PM GMT+8
我還是記著你的全名,你給人的印象
>>July 10, 2008 at 3:57:17 PM GMT+8
舉下例啫....
>>May 30, 2008 at 9:46:44 AM GMT+8
Mary, 那麼說你要拍拖了吧
>>May 30, 2008 at 9:09:38 AM GMT+8
^^ 恭喜你~林玉婷醫生~
<b
>>May 20, 2008 at 3:33:59 PM GMT+8
嘩
<br>今晚的浸禮班好多人
>>May 9, 2008 at 4:36:33 PM GMT+8
啊
<br>很久沒溜過這裡,還以
>>April 22, 2008 at 6:57:40 AM GMT+8
^^ 很想跟你說聲加油!!~
<
>>April 21, 2008 at 3:02:14 PM GMT+8
haven't seen u f
>>April 13, 2008 at 8:20:55 AM GMT+8
神不要求妳成功,祂只要求妳盡忠。
>>April 11, 2008 at 4:31:16 AM GMT+8
Teresa是會無節制地吃埋你o
>>March 2, 2008 at 10:11:31 AM GMT+8
你第一包薯片因該跟我吃!!我是個
>>March 1, 2008 at 6:04:51 PM GMT+8
As a token of ap
>>February 29, 2008 at 1:53:20 PM GMT+8
So touching to s
>>February 26, 2008 at 1:17:05 PM GMT+8
Just like to sen
>>February 19, 2008 at 4:56:43 AM GMT+8
"但在當中也有不少因為資源與人力
>>January 28, 2008 at 4:14:27 PM GMT+8
跟你談天真開心
>>January 14, 2008 at 3:43:27 PM GMT+8
I like the rando
>>January 10, 2008 at 3:44:32 PM GMT+8
peace and streng
>>December 30, 2007 at 6:44:52 AM GMT+8
Surely keep pray
>>December 27, 2007 at 6:46:35 AM GMT+8
Take care!
<br>
>>December 23, 2007 at 6:44:45 AM GMT+8
等妳好返再請妳食餐好既!
>>December 19, 2007 at 7:21:49 AM GMT+8
YEAH~ 我要陪你食遍天下!!
>>December 19, 2007 at 4:01:11 AM GMT+8
This piece is fu
>>December 13, 2007 at 10:59:44 AM GMT+8
好快到你啦!
<br>
<br>
>>December 10, 2007 at 3:33:39 PM GMT+8
但願倒空 "OUR" 生命,學習
>>November 29, 2007 at 3:21:38 AM GMT+8
嘩真係好令人嚮往的美好的兩星期呢
>>November 8, 2007 at 2:24:34 PM GMT+8
God loves you...
>>October 30, 2007 at 3:44:59 PM GMT+8
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